Right In Front of You - ID# 567
Maine South
Seven Day Challenge
Entry Description
John struggles to decide who to ask to the Prom, as his friend Diana weights in on his prospects.
Copyright Info
Recent Teacher Comments
Judge 1
Positives: Oh Diana! I was rooting for these two the whole time. This is great example of keeping a story simple in all the best ways. What it gives you the ability to do is build character and really let the audience root for John and Diana. Your humor is smart and used well, plus having the device build the predictability of the harp and flashbacks lead us into this false sense of where the narrative is going so when the twist comes and he asks his brother, it's a huge payoff and hilarious. Well done!
Improvements: Your humor is quick so editing needs to match. I like the scene length, but you could speed up transitioning into your dream sequences, especially towards the end since you're building momentum very well. I also wanted to know WHY John would be the laughing stock going out with Matty. I get the pasta joke, which is very funny, but you have another opportunity for humor that has nothing to do with the sloppy eating. For example, maybe he also likes My Chemical Romance and that's a dealbreaker. Or maybe you both have matching Prada bags and that's super embarrassing to go to prom like that. Button up your jokes and we'll be laughing the whole time!
Judge 2
Positives: YOOOO. Fire. actually fire- Ow! It’s hot! Story: John visualizes his date options for Prom while completely underestimating the person right in front of him …yet the best is what happens. Overall, whoever wrote this dialogue needs to stop hanging out with the cool older siblings… or maybe spend more time with them, idrc. The comedy here really works for me and sings in perfect harmony with the storytelling structure. Each bit was better than the other, my favorite (and hopefully everyone else’s fave) being the pasta bit of course. Or maybe that ending credits moment… hard to pick. I like that this roped me in with a sort of disney channel original feel, but then used some cool storytelling formats to explore new territories. It works really well.
Improvements: My only note is that the first “visualization” scene feels a bit disjointed, lightly pulling me out of the immersion since it takes a second to catch on to the bit. Maybe there’s a way to direct your eye where it needs to go through lighting/color to highlight the girl moving around. But that’s a really small nit-pick, otherwise, this was awesome. Keep up the great work!
Judge 3
Positives: The thought transitions were very effective and clearly communicated that the vignettes were coming directly from John’s imagination. Each vignette was clever and engaging, and they felt authentic and brought to mind similar experiences I had preparing for school dances in high school. The audio mix was excellent as well. All the level were balanced which made it easy to understand what was being said be all the characters.
Improvements: Consider getting a little bit more coverage of John and Diana. Introducing a few additional camera angles would go a long way in enhancing the visual interest. The story is already very engaging, so expanding the shot variety would add another layer of depth and keep the audience even more invested.
Judge 4
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Judge 5
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