M.S. Hall Monitors (Excerpt)

Maine South

Comedic Narrative

Entry Description

An excerpt from episode 1 of "M.S. Hall Monitors" chronicling the daily lives of Maine South's student Hall Monitor staff.

Judge 1

Positives: That was legitimately funny. My girlfriend and I were cracking up. Nice work. Keep up the comedy writing and we'll see you in Hollywood.

Improvements: Beginning, middle and end structure.

Judge 2

Positives: The concept of this piece is really fun. It feels like something I would see on a sketch show like Key and Peele or a short on SNL. What really makes it are the characters. The three hall monitors work well bouncing lines off each other. I see the motivation of the characters and the point of view of the show. Good work. The comedy is there. I say that because I have watched other entries that are trying to be funny and it's cringeworthy. This one hits it on the head. It's a little out there, but it works. The sunglasses bit and the water fountain interview at the end were hilarious.

Improvements: The camera work took a back seat to the material I feel. There were shots that were shaky, one that was out of focus and a couple of whip pans that were a bit jarring. I get this is a comedy, but bad shots are distracting and can deter the audience from watching your piece. I would of liked to see the hall monitors confront the main bully. I felt there was all this build up and no payoff. Maybe because this was an experpt, but still, give the audience a taste of what's going to happen.

Judge 3

Positives:

Improvements:

Judge 4

Positives:

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