10/17/16 - ID# 38
Batavia
Dramatic Narrative
Entry Description
This dramatic narrative is about a world where everyone is born with a tattoo of their death date. The video follows one girl whose date is particularly sooner than everyone else's. This was edited down for MMEA. It was originally 7:08.
Recent Teacher Comments
- 3/2 3:46 pm - Things I like: Cool idea. Good use of VO to give us necessary info in insight into the main character’s persona without overdoing it. Generally good music selections that were adjusted to appropriate levels. Things that could be improved: From a story perspective, I think you tip off the viewer a bit too much, so that we know what’s going to happen before it occurs. (They actors are surprised, but we’re not.) There’s also not time to develop the relationship between your two leads, so we don’t end up caring as much as we should about Parker’s death. Your camera work is okay, but could use some work. I like the fact that you’re willing to get in close- keep working on that- but some of your composition is a bit awkward. I’d tighten up your editing too. Your pace is relatively slow and plodding which brings down the energy. Your exterior playground seemed to A) be near an airport and B) have a huge exhaust vent right next to it. That combined with some wind noise left your audio less than ideal. These can be tough things to avoid, but avoid them anyway if you can. Another piece of advice I’d give is to tell your story as visually as you can. You have an interesting concept, but it ends up being awfully wordy in its execution. Anytime you can show something instead of explaining it, that tends to be more dynamic filmmaking. Keep at it.
- 2/23 2:24 pm - STORY: Interesting concept (I'm guessing this was a class assignment, because the whole theme of the death date has been done by a couple other people). But your specific storyline is very engaging. The ending is better than any others I've seen, and the last shot referencing the item that switches the death dates is cool. SOUND: Voice over was solid. The outdoor scene was a little challenging, probably because of the huge ambient noise. But, you did a good job mixing the dialogue with the music bed. CAMERA: The opening extreme close up was pretty shockingly close - I know that's probably the point, but it was a bit too close for comfort. Same thing with the close ups during the conversation scene outside after school - almost claustrophobically close. In fact, you're so close that your focus is soft on your subject's face. From 2:27 to about 2:42, you camped out on a 2-shot of the kids on the bench. That's a REALLY long take for just having dialogue. Consider breaking it up with a couple more shots - maybe an OTS of each person or a medium shot of each person. LIGHTING: The material that was outdoors was typically fine, because you have natural light. But, you needed to add some fill light on their faces when you punch in for close ups. Also, the scene indoors in the bedroom is way dark; it looks like you just used existing light fixtures. You need to add a key light that reinforces the existing light features, so that your subjects aren't shrouded in shadow. This is a drama, not a film noir, right? EDITING: Your edits within each scene were pretty good; they flowed well, and they were paced appropriately. You could definitely make them less choppy by using audio bridges during dialogue scenes.
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