The Crash - ID# 421
Deerfield
Dramatic Narrative
Entry Description
A teenage boy continues to wrestle with the trauma of his parents' tragic death in a car crash.
Recent Teacher Comments
- 3/2 2:36 pm - Let start with stuff I like- some good experimentation with your camera shots and angles. I especially like some of your CU/insert shots- the paper on the table when he first picks up the pencil, for example. In general, your audio is very solid- good sweetening, and I thought your levels- VO, music, and FX- were all pretty good. You also got a solid performance out of your actor. Much of your lighting was quite good, but during the letter writing sequence, for example, you had some white balance (and focus) issues. Keep that consistent, if you can. And maybe cut out of it before we can read the text on the page doesn’t match your VO. While we’re on technical issues, I really didn’t like the POV footage of the car driving before the crash- shaky to the point of being unwatchable. I also thought you sped up the footage a bit much- it starts to look comical if it’s ramped up too much. I also thought you overused the transition titles. Instead of “Lather that night” you could easily shoot him leaving school, walking home, getting in bed, and throw in a few crossfades. And probably my biggest note is that this is just too epic a story to try to cover in a four-minute short. It’s an archetypal Quest for Identity plot with a Redeeming the Father plot thrown in as well. But your 2nd Act is essentially one shot of him looking at the water, and your 3rd Act is a shot of him coming back home(?) I’m assuming. It’s just way too much to take on in a short like this. So let’s focus on your already-solid filmmaking skills and work on developing a script of appropriate scope and sophistication for your next project. Keep at it
- 2/25 10:48 am - STORY: Overall you had a understandable storyline, but there were some flaws. His parents dying in a car crash wasn't obvious initially, because you could see in multiple shots that there was only 1 guy in the car. You could have had a short scene of 20 seconds in length showing the parents saying goodbye to him in the house (maybe they were running errands, going shopping, etc.), getting in the car, and THEN show the accident. Also, did he live by himself after his parents died? Last, the return home at the end was unnecessary. If the point was to show how he went out into the world and found himself and his purpose in life, you don't necessarily need to show him walking up to the house in the end. SOUND: Your sound overall was good - music, sound effects, voice over were all appropriately mixed. Maybe a short scene with dialogue of him at school with a fellow student or counselor asking him how he's doing would have helped round out the character's struggle with the trauma of losing his parents. CAMERA: You had a lot of nice shots and variety of compositions and angles. SOME of your shots were out of focus; shallow depth of focus is cool in filmmaking, but you have to make sure your SUBJECT is in focus. LIGHTING: You used a mix of available natural light and some lighting, and most of the time it was successful. During the scene when he's writing the letter, it was clear that one of the shots wasn't lit the same was as the other shots of him. If it wasn't right, you need to go back and re-shoot it. If I noticed, other people would notice. EDITING: Your editing within each scene was fine, but the transitions to show the passage of time were kind of choppy. I feel like you relied too much on the text on the screen to convey the passage of time, instead of using camera shots and transitions to help move the story along.
Judge 1
Positives: Nice motif of parents’ photo threading scenes together; some shots are framed extremely well—esp. good job with close-ups at the right time
Improvements: Work to eliminate distracting shadows; editing would work better with less abrupt transitions (sound could be used to support these)
Judge 2
Positives: Some interesting and varied cinematography. Good audio mix.
Improvements: Overuse of title cards to advance the plot. Plot was probably too grand for a short. Ends up not making sense. He travels the world and then returns to his dead parents' empty house? Not sure that was all as well-thought out as it could be.
Judge 3
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Judge 4
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