Peleg Design: PenPOW - ID# 458

Vernon Hills

Division: AA

Commercial

Entry Description

A short, comedic romance story based off of a product called the "PenPOW." The boy and girl are stuck in detention and try to communicate, but are shut down by the teacher. So, in a desperate attempt, they send each other messages using their "PenPOW's."

Recent Teacher Comments

• 3/11 7:53 pm - Great concept and setting in detention grabs the viewers attention...I think the product needs to be used more to indicate that is the focus...good use of shots and love the rack focus effect in the beginning...i do thinnk you need a tag line/ slogan for the product....as it is not as clear as it should be what the product is..story is excellent
• 3/9 12:12 pm - Great story. It’s a completed story. Short but has all the elements. It’s an interesting product, but the message is clear. Maybe a little more about what the product since it’s so unique. Overall sound mix is average. Work on levels as talent gets loud (the teacher sounds overmodulated) . A fantastic variety of camera shots and techniques. Great use of rack focus to reveal story elements. Use a tripod for all stable shots. Any little shake takes me out of the scene. It’s clear that lighting was used on a dramatic fashion. Editing was anything but lazy. Great work on cutting this up in an effort to make the story flow and keep the commercial exciting.
• 3/5 3:13 pm - Strengths: -I think this is a really funny and cute concept! -Overall, nicely shot. It is evident that you used lights--sometimes it is a little too obvious--but effective -Story is clear Room for improvement: -I think you should have some sort of slogan at the end that ties the commercial together. -The audio for the teacher dialogue sounds a little distorted -It would have been nice to find an actual teacher for the role so that it seems more realistic -We need to see a CUs hot of the letters so that we know what they say. Right now we cannot read them.

Judge 1

Positives: 1. Great camera movements, fun to watch and made the commercial more engaging. 2. Good storytelling easy to follow the visuals and understand what's happening.

Improvements: 1. The VO sounded distant. 2. The end tag product writing should be larger, a little hard to read and the point of the commercial is to sell the product. The end tag needs to SELL.

Judge 2

Positives: This is a fun idea and has some potential. There is a nice degree of interaction between the 3 characters. Good use of alternative camera angles. Nice music track to build playful intrigue.

Improvements: The audio for the teacher should be clearer. The story could have built to a better point between the two kids in detention. "Seriously" is a bit cliche. She should engage more - and the device should facilitate their friendship.

Judge 3

Positives: outstanding camera work!! Really good. Best I've seen. music is perfect choice for this End screen is clean, nice. Would love to have a message on the last screen of why i want this..."for the message you can't afford to miss"...or something like that.

Improvements: darn it the voiceovers are distorted and only in the right side. My only real negative get to :60...ending at :57 won't work professionally

Judge 4

Positives:

Improvements: